ok, here goes - this is for dam-o, and i spose, as im actually writing this its for myself too.
{apolagies for any spelling errors if made i cant see cos my eyes are almost shut!}
the reply being so late was also as cause of dam-o and he sent me this link.
well here goes
* DJKAL gulps 
{i ama ctually scared about typing this
}
october **th 2003: i found out that my nan had cancer and so split my self away from family as i couldnt show emotion and was scared and ditn know what to do,
september 14th 2004: dad's dad {Vic} died {aged 72}
september 27th 2004: Vic's funeral
september 28th 2004: my sister's {tiffany} birthday {10 years of age}
september 29th 2004: my nan dies of cancer having suffered for a year
- - - funeral early october - - -
september 28th 2005: tiffany's birthday {11 years old}
september 28th 2005: my other grandad dies
- - - funeral early october - day after my nan's the year before - - -
as of the very stat wheni found out my nan had cancer iwas mentally alone - my own fault.
after all of the s**t i had been through i was left {currently have} depression and am having an extremly hard time over the last few weeks,
i have tried almost all kinds of suicide - slit wrists, hanging myself, suffocating myself, drowning etc etc etc
BUT!!!! each time i started to kill myself i realised that i didnt atcually WANT to, but the other day i was lyingin bed with a knife in my hand just messing around {nothing strange} but my sepression was affectoing me badly again, i could feel a line across my left wrist where it felt it should be cut and my right hand felt as if it should be cutting my wrists, but i didnt want to
but it made me realise how easy it ould be for me to kill myself if i ACTUALLY WANTed to!
i am having many troubles sleeping again and i can not think straight ATALL and am having to walk out of many lessons at school as a result because i physically cant sit there
but i cant go to talk to people either, i have beeen told my teachers and friends alike i should go see a phsycatrist but i wont - i dont know why i just wont let myself!so it means i am having extreme troubles now and there's nothing i can do.
only, all of my life have given up on everyone and everything. so a few hous ago i gave up on myself, i decided i wont try to pull out of my depression as it doesnt seem possible! so im just going to live in depression and in fear of losing the 2 people i have left in my life .... 3 girls i love which i have never met and will need to lose 1 soon.
well, i think thats the basis of my life story and this is not a plea for sympothay atall - i hate sympothy - just dam-o "forced" me to wrtie this so i am, for myself aswell.
im also sorry to Tasha for the trauma she has been through with her family at such an age and i hope that you are ok, thats to everyone also and not just Tasha.
and one more thing - to those people who were argueing in the other thread {though i didnt see it!} thats just wrong
a thread designed to be caring and here for the community and it was turned into an arguemnt, thats wrong!
/ –
