[b]Some tips:/b]
- Check Spelling Mistakes
- Spread the action over time
- Use puncuation to its best of advatages
- dont use.............................. you should use...
- dont tell the day becuase it is like a diary
- get a better ending
- Write it like it would be published (stucture)
- use more composition
Apart from that the story is really good,
I wish I could write like that
Don't take this offensively im just giving factors to make it better!
The bit at the end "...small dick" thats just a bit wierd, get rid of it
apart from all of that it has the pottential to be a really good story.
Put it this way if it comes out in shops I will buy it
/ 
