Shoutbox

Hey guys...

Erm... I don't know how to say this. Well, some of you may have gathered some stuff from my thread to do with that test in T&T, but thing is, I'm pretty damn sure I've got some kind of depression. I've asked someone for help, and they're getting back to me tomorrow, so pretty much I'll know for sure tomorrow.

Anywho, apart from a professional diagnosis, it's obvious I do have some form of depression, and it's really eating away at me. And if it's not depression it's something else anyway, so either way, this thread is appropriate.

I feel guilty for keeping stuff from you guys, and it's part of the reason I'm getting so down. You've all been great to me and deserve to know how I really feel. I mean, on here and on MSN to some people I guess I'm perfectly happy, and you wouldn't reckon anything was wrong at all. Yeah, I'm just keeping everything inside and it's doing me no good.

Having said that, I do still have the capacity to feel happy... And laugh and joke and all that. But when that's through it's all just this horrid down feeling... I feel so alone even around people, being part of a conversation, I just feel so seperated from it all...

Basically, I reckon my depression is related to my dad (some of you might not know/remember anything to do with that... let's put it down to that he was a complete *insert a million horrid words here*, eh.), to things that have happened in the past, and something that happened recently concerning school (I don't want to go into it.) So blah.

I *have* self-harmed, not for attention, I hated anyone knowing, but in a way it was a shout out for help, 'cept no-one ever noticed since I kept it hidden.

I keep everything hidden, seriously, this is gonna sound bad, but I doubt some of you know me as well as you think. I don't deliberately want to hide things, but I have this horrible fear of losing people... friends... and I never wanted to say anything that would make anyone think "god she's a freak" and tell everyone else and then ya know... The few people that know most stuff only know it because I thought they wouldn't turn away from me. And that took a lotta guts.

I don't really want to say anymore on this all 'til I know for sure what's up. But looking on wiki, I have a *lot* of the symptoms, and like I said, getting more help off someone who might know how to help me more tomorrow.

Anyway, I just wanted you all to know, in case I snap or whatever. And I just want you all to know. I might disappear for a few weeks or more, or I might not, depending whether I think it will help. I'll always be able to be contacted through myspace (http://www.myspace.com/tashy25) and maybe MSN (if you have me on there), so no worries there.

Thanks for all your understanding. <3