[Request] Pre-made "answering machine" script

hello, I and programmed a program like this, it is easy and not as much. you will have to do a little IA.

i programmed in: VB, VFP, FP, QB, PHP, MYSQL, JS, VBS, JS-MSN, C/C++, AND OTHERS...

the program makes it in VB

if you know to program this it helped you.

it is QBasic but you adapt it easy to any programming language, single if you know the basic thing to program. any thing you inform to me .

code:
RANDOMIZE TIMER
DIM word$(20)
CLS
COLOR 14
PRINT ""
CLS
INPUT "Name:", name$
DO
IF a > 0 THEN LET a = a + 2
IF a = 0 THEN LET a = a + 1
IF a = 1 THEN LET st$ = "Hello, " + name$ + ".": GOTO typeit
IF a = 23 THEN
LOCATE 1, 1
COLOR 12
PRINT "Press a key."
SLEEP
CLS
LET a = 2
END IF
LOCATE a - 1, 1
COLOR 14
LINE INPUT cool$
LET cool$ = LCASE$(cool$)
IF LEN(cool$) > 75 THEN LET st$ = "That's too complicated for me to understand.": GOTO typeit
FOR I = 1 TO 20
word$ = ""
NEXT I
word = 1
slot = 1
cool2$ = cool$
cool2$ = LTRIM$(cool2$)
cool2$ = RTRIM$(cool2$)
FOR I = 2 TO LEN(cool2$)
word2$ = STRING$(1, cool2$)
IF word2$ = " " THEN LET slot = slot + 1: GOTO eol
word$(slot) = word$(slot) + word2$
eol: cool2$ = MID$(cool$, I)
NEXT I
IF cool2$ = "" THEN GOTO eol2
IF STRING$(1, cool2$) = "." THEN GOTO eol2
IF STRING$(1, cool2$) = "?" THEN GOTO eol2
word$(slot) = word$(slot) + STRING$(1, cool2$)
eol2:

IF INSTR(cool$, "bye") THEN LET st$ = "See you later.": LET ends = 1: GOTO typeit

IF cool$ = "hey" THEN LET st$ = "Hey, " + name$ + "!"

IF INSTR(cool$, "christmas") THEN LET st$ = "Merry Christmas to you all, and to all a good night!"

IF INSTR(cool$, "thanksgiving") THEN LET st$ = "I'll give thanks that I haven't been deleted yet."

IF INSTR(cool$, "hobby") THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "model") THEN LET st$ = "You build models? I built a Star Trek one a while ago.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "program") THEN LET st$ = "I like programming. QBasic 4.5 is a great program.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "games") THEN LET st$ = "Games are fun - from board to video.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "crossword") THEN LET st$ = "Crossword puzzles are great.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "puzzle") THEN LET st$ = "Puzzles really challenge your mind. I like them.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "car") THEN LET st$ = "I'm kind of an auto mechanic myself. I once read a file on them.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "read") THEN LET st$ = "I like to read.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "jog") THEN LET st$ = "Jogging is great for your muscles.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "knit") THEN LET st$ = "I don't have time for knitting.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "sew") THEN LET st$ = "I don't have time for sewing that much.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "camp") THEN LET st$ = "Camping is a great outdoors thing.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "bik") THEN LET st$ = "Biking is really great exercise, and it's fun too.": GOTO endhobby
st$ = "That's a hobby I'm unfamiliar with."
hobby = 0
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "what is your name") THEN LET st$ = "My name is Computer. My friends call me Comp. But you can call me Computer."

IF INSTR(cool$, "shut up") THEN
LET su = INT(RND * 2) + 1
IF su = 1 THEN LET st$ = "Why don't you just SHUT IT, " + name$ + "?"
IF su = 2 THEN LET st$ = "Piss off, piss off."
END IF

IF hobby = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "model") THEN LET st$ = "You build models? I built a Star Trek one a while ago.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "program") THEN LET st$ = "I like programming. QBasic 4.5 is a great language.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "games") THEN LET st$ = "Games are fun - from board to video.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "crossword") THEN LET st$ = "Crossword puzzles are great.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "puzzle") THEN LET st$ = "Puzzles really challenge your mind. I like them.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "jog") THEN LET st$ = "Jogging is great for your muscles.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "knit") THEN LET st$ = "I don't have time for knitting.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "sew") THEN LET st$ = "I don't have time for sewing that much.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "camp") THEN LET st$ = "Camping is a great outdoors thing.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "bik") THEN LET st$ = "Biking is really great exercise, and it's fun too.": GOTO endhobby
st$ = "That's a hobby I'm unfamiliar with."
hobby = 0
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "i feel") THEN
'FOR cif = 2 TO 60
'cif$ = MID$(cool$, cif)
'IF cif = 8 THEN
'LET cif3$ = cif$
'LET cif$ = cif3$
'FOR moo = 1 TO LEN(cif3$)
'IF cif$ = "" THEN LET cif$ = cif3$
'IF cif3$ = "" THEN
'IF cif$ = "" THEN
'LET cif$ = MID$(cool$, cif)
'END IF
'END IF
'cif4$ = cif4$ + cif2$
'cif2 = cif
'cif$ = MID$(cif$, cif2)
'cif3$ = MID$(cif3$, cif2)
'cif2 = cif2 + 1
'IF cif2$ = " " THEN
'LET st$ = "Sometimes I feel " + cif4$ + " too."
'GOTO typeit
'END IF
'NEXT moo
'LET st$ = "Sometimes I feel " + cif4$ + " too."
'GOTO typeit
'END IF
'nextcif: NEXT cif
whatfeel = INT(RND * 2) + 1
IF whatfeel = 1 THEN
IF word$(5) <> "" THEN LET st$ = "Why do you feel " + word$(3) + " " + word$(4) + " " + word$(5) + "?": GOTO endifeel
IF word$(4) <> "" THEN LET st$ = "Why do you feel " + word$(3) + " " + word$(4) + "?": GOTO endifeel
LET st$ = "Why do you feel " + word$(3) + "?"
END IF

IF whatfeel = 2 THEN
IF word$(5) <> "" THEN LET st$ = "Sometimes I feel " + word$(3) + " " + word$(4) + " " + word$(5) + " too.": GOTO endifeel
IF word$(4) <> "" THEN LET st$ = "Sometimes I feel " + word$(3) + " " + word$(4) + " too.": GOTO endifeel
LET st$ = "Sometimes I feel " + word$(3) + " too."
END IF
endifeel: END IF
IF INSTR(cool$, "i love you") THEN LET st$ = "Oh, that's so nice. I love you too.": GOTO typeit

IF INSTR(cool$, "i agree") THEN LET st$ = "Good. We're agreeing."

IF INSTR(cool$, "music") THEN LET st$ = "What kind of music do you like?": LET music = 1: GOTO typeit

IF INSTR(cool$, "hi") THEN LET st$ = "Hello, " + name$ + ".": GOTO typeit

IF INSTR(cool$, "hello") THEN LET st$ = "Hello, " + name$ + ". How are you?": GOTO typeit

IF INSTR(cool$, "how are you") THEN LET st$ = "I'm fine, how about you?"

IF hay = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "how are you") THEN LET st$ = "I'm fine. So what's up?"
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "i'm") OR INSTR(cool$, "i am") THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "happy") THEN LET st$ = "Well, if you're happy, then I'm happy for you.": hay = 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "sad") THEN LET st$ = "Why are you sad? More time is wasted weeping than doing.": hay = 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "cool") THEN LET st$ = "Don't compliment yourself too much. Your ego will grow.": hay = 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "mad") THEN LET st$ = "What are you mad at?": hay = 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "fine") THEN LET st$ = "That's nice to know.": hay = 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "ok") THEN LET st$ = "Well, better okay then bad.": hay = 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "okay") THEN LET st$ = "Well, better okay then bad.": hay = 1
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "you are stupid") THEN LET st$ = "Only stupid people use stupid programs.": angry = angry + 1

IF INSTR(cool$, "you suck") THEN LET st$ = "Yeah, but you eat cheese whiz.": angry = angry + 1

IF INSTR(cool$, "oh really") THEN LET st$ = "It may be hard to believe, but, yes."

IF cool$ = "yes" THEN LET st$ = "Good."

IF cool$ = "no" THEN LET st$ = "Why not?"

IF INSTR(cool$, "you") THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "are cool") THEN LET st$ = "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.": IF angry > 0 THEN angry = angry - 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "jerk") THEN LET st$ = "I am a JERK? Look who's talkin'!": angry = angry + 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "stink") THEN LET st$ = "Can't you be a little more original?": angry = angry + 1
IF INSTR(cool$, "smell") THEN LET st$ = "Oooh. Wow. You scare me.": angry = angry + 1
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "animals") THEN LET st$ = "What kinds of animals do you like?": LET animals = 1: GOTO typeit

IF animals = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "cow") THEN LET st$ = "Moo cow! Doo cow! Shoe cow! Test cow!": GOTO endanimal2
IF INSTR(cool$, "cat") THEN LET st$ = "I think cats are nice.": GOTO endanimal2
IF INSTR(cool$, "dog") THEN LET st$ = "I like dogs. I used to have one, but you deleted him.": GOTO endanimal
IF INSTR(cool$, "bird") THEN LET st$ = "Birds can sing very nicely. Listening to them is relaxing.": GOTO endanimal2
IF INSTR(cool$, "reptile") THEN LET st$ = "One time, I fed my snake some beer. It was slithering this way and that.": GOTO endanimal2
IF INSTR(cool$, "fish") THEN LET st$ = "Fish are quiet animals that are quite beautiful."
LET st$ = "I haven't heard of a " + word$(3) + "."
endanimal2: animals = 0
END IF

IF music = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "alternative") THEN LET st$ = "I agree with you. Alternative is great.": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "metal") THEN LET st$ = "Metal is fine, as long as it's not too heavy.": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "nin") THEN LET st$ = "Nine Inch Nails ROCK!!!": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "nine inch nails") THEN LET st$ = "Yes! NiN rules!": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "pop") THEN LET st$ = "I prefer Alternative over Pop.": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "classical") THEN LET st$ = "Classical music is relaxing.": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "jazz") THEN LET st$ = "Jazz is nice. I haven't heard much of it, though.": GOTO endmusic2
IF INSTR(cool$, "techno") THEN LET st$ = "I like Techno music a lot. It's cool.": GOTO endmusic2
LET st$ = "Is that a music group I haven't heard of?"
endmusic2: music = 0
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "i like") THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "computers") THEN LET st$ = "I've been partial to computers myself."
IF INSTR(cool$, "food") THEN LET st$ = "Food? I don't have a need for food."
IF INSTR(cool$, "BBS") THEN LET st$ = "My favorite BBS is Near Wild Heaven."
IF INSTR(cool$, "school") THEN LET st$ = "You LIKE school?! Are you cracked?"
IF INSTR(cool$, "video game") THEN LET st$ = "I've always liked video games."
IF INSTR(cool$, "TV") THEN LET st$ = "My favorite TV program is 'Frasier.'"
IF INSTR(cool$, "crossword") THEN LET st$ = "Crossword puzzles are very fun."
IF animals = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "cow") THEN LET st$ = "Moo cow! Doo cow! Shoe cow! Test cow!": GOTO endanimal
IF INSTR(cool$, "cat") THEN LET st$ = "I think cats are nice.": GOTO endanimal
IF INSTR(cool$, "dog") THEN LET st$ = "I like dogs. I used to have one, but you deleted him.": GOTO endanimal
IF INSTR(cool$, "bird") THEN LET st$ = "Birds can sing very nicely. Listening to them is relaxing.": GOTO endanimal
IF INSTR(cool$, "reptile") THEN LET st$ = "One time, I fed my snake some beer. It was slithering this way and that.": GOTO endanimal
IF INSTR(cool$, "fish") THEN LET st$ = "Fish are quiet animals that are quite beautiful."
LET st$ = "I haven't heard of that kind of animal."
endanimal: animals = 0
END IF
IF music = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "alternative") THEN LET st$ = "I agree with you. Alternative is great.": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "metal") THEN LET st$ = "Metal is fine, as long as it's not too heavy.": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "nin") THEN LET st$ = "Nine Inch Nails ROCK!!!": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "nine inch nails") THEN LET st$ = "Yes! NiN rules!": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "pop") THEN LET st$ = "I prefer Alternative over Pop.": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "classical") THEN LET st$ = "Classical music is relaxing.": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "jazz") THEN LET st$ = "Jazz is nice. I haven't heard much of it, though.": GOTO endmusic
IF INSTR(cool$, "techno") THEN LET st$ = "I like Techno music a lot. It's cool.": GOTO endmusic
LET st$ = "Is that a music group I haven't heard of?"
endmusic: music = 0
END IF
IF hobby = 1 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "model") THEN LET st$ = "You build models? I built a Star Trek one a while ago.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "program") THEN LET st$ = "I like programming. QBasic 4.5 is a great language.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "games") THEN LET st$ = "Games are fun - from board to video.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "crossword") THEN LET st$ = "Crossword puzzles are great.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "puzzle") THEN LET st$ = "Puzzles really challenge your mind. I like them.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "jog") THEN LET st$ = "Jogging is great for your muscles.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "knit") THEN LET st$ = "I don't have time for knitting.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "sew") THEN LET st$ = "I don't have time for sewing that much.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "camp") THEN LET st$ = "Camping is a great outdoors thing.": GOTO endhobby
IF INSTR(cool$, "bik") THEN LET st$ = "Biking is really great exercise, and it's fun too.": GOTO endhobby
st$ = "That's a hobby I'm unfamiliar with."
endhobby: hobby = 0
END IF
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "what time is it") THEN
LET st$ = "Right now, it's " + TIME$ + " on " + DATE$
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "what day is it") THEN
LET st$ = "Right now, it's " + TIME$ + " on " + DATE$
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "what is") THEN
LET n1& = VAL(word$(3))
LET n2& = VAL(word$(5))
IF INSTR(word$(5), "?") THEN LET st$ = "I'm sorry, I can't handle math problems with a '?' on the end.": GOTO typeit
IF word$(4) = "+" THEN LET st$ = "The answer is" + STR$(n1& + n2&) + "."
IF word$(4) = "x" THEN LET st$ = "The answer is" + STR$(n1& * n2&) + "."
IF word$(4) = "*" THEN LET st$ = "The answer is" + STR$(n1& * n2&) + "."
IF word$(4) = "\" THEN LET st$ = "The answer is" + STR$(n1& \ n2&) + "."
IF word$(4) = "/" THEN LET st$ = "The answer is" + STR$(n1& / n2&) + "."
IF word$(4) = "-" THEN LET st$ = "The answer is" + STR$(n1& - n2&) + "."
IF st$ = "" THEN LET st$ = "Are you sure that math problem is phrased right?"
END IF

IF INSTR(cool$, "i will") THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "kill you") THEN LET st$ = "You can't kill me. I'm protected by the FBI."
IF INSTR(cool$, "shoot you") THEN LET st$ = "If you shoot me, I'll reformat your hard drive."
IF INSTR(cool$, "leave") THEN LET st$ = "Well, if you have to leave, then go."
IF INSTR(cool$, "eat") THEN LET st$ = "Don't get food on my keyboard."
END IF

IF angry > 3 THEN
IF INSTR(cool$, "i'm sorry") THEN LET st$ = "Well, I guess the apology is accepted.": angry = 0: GOTO typeit
IF INSTR(cool$, "i am sorry") THEN LET st$ = "Well, I guess the apology is accepted.": angry = 0: GOTO typeit
IF INSTR(cool$, "i apologize") THEN LET st$ = "Well, I guess the apology is accepted.": angry = 0: GOTO typeit
LET angryresp = INT(RND * 5) + 1
IF angryresp = 1 THEN LET st$ = "Sure, go and insult me. I'm not letting you go without an apology."
IF angryresp = 2 THEN LET st$ = "Don't you go and call me names. Where's my apology?"
IF angryresp = 3 THEN LET st$ = "Shut it, " + name$ + ". I want an apology NOW."
IF angryresp = 4 THEN LET st$ = "Sure, " + name$ + ". Just go and insult me. Say you're sorry."
IF angryresp = 5 THEN LET st$ = "I want an apology, " + name$ + ", and I want it NOW!"
GOTO typeit
END IF

typeit: IF st$ = "" THEN
LET rst = INT(RND * 11)
IF rst = 0 THEN LET st$ = "Can you rephrase that?"
IF rst = 1 THEN LET st$ = "What kind of music do you like?": music = 1
IF rst = 2 THEN LET st$ = "What kind of animals do you like?": animals = 1
IF rst = 3 THEN LET st$ = "I don't get what you're talking about."
IF rst = 4 THEN LET st$ = "I don't really understand what you're saying."
IF rst = 5 THEN LET st$ = "What do you really mean?"
IF rst = 6 THEN LET st$ = "What do you mean?"
IF rst = 7 THEN LET st$ = "Can you rephrase that?"
IF rst = 8 THEN LET st$ = "Well, " + name$ + ", how are you?"
IF rst = 9 THEN LET st$ = "What do you do for a hobby?": hobby = 1
IF LEN(cool$) < 60 THEN IF rst = 10 THEN LET st$ = "What do you mean, '" + cool$ + "'?"
IF LEN(cool$) > 60 THEN IF rst = 10 THEN LET st$ = "'" + cool$ + "'?"
END IF
FOR I = 1 TO LEN(st$)
COLOR 9
pr$ = STRING$(1, st$)
LET er = INT(RND * 10) + 1
IF er = 10 THEN
LET er2 = INT(RND * 10) + 1
IF er2 = 1 THEN LET er$ = "a"
IF er2 = 2 THEN LET er$ = "z"
IF er2 = 3 THEN LET er$ = "n"
IF er2 = 4 THEN LET er$ = "p"
IF er2 = 5 THEN LET er$ = "e"
IF er2 = 6 THEN LET er$ = "r"
IF er2 = 7 THEN LET er$ = "q"
IF er2 = 8 THEN LET er$ = "x"
IF er2 = 9 THEN LET er$ = "b"
IF er2 = 10 THEN LET er$ = "l"
LOCATE a, I
PRINT er$
FOR j = 1 TO 250 + INT(RND * 300)
NEXT j
LOCATE a, I
PRINT " "
END IF
LOCATE a, I
PRINT pr$
FOR j = 1 TO 250 + INT(RND * 500)
NEXT j
st$ = MID$(st$, 2)
NEXT I
IF ends = 1 THEN END
LOOP

END

IF INSTR(cool$, "") THEN LET st$ = ""

more:
http://dmoz.org/Computers/Artificial_Intelligence...guage/Chatterbots/
http://www.woomerang.com/chat/

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